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Where's My Pen?
Pens are negotiated as part of your benefits package and as such is an issue you need to raise with HR. The similarity of my pen to yours is entirely coincidental
No I won't submit to a DNA TEST
Why did I not get a pay rise?
Despite the record profits we have just announced to the city and the huge bonuses the board have awarded themselves for a job well done, we find ourselves trading in increasing difficult conditions and as such we must be prudent and consider affordability of any pay review. This has been done this year and you lucked out. Still, have my pen as consolation.
PAY RISE!!! Your lucky I didn't outsource your sorry fat ass to Mumbai.
You ask a wise question my son, one that deserves a considered response. Let me answer you with a parable called "The Story of the Unemployed Troublemaking Bastard".
Why are you doing another reorganisation?
Because I like your desk, it has a better view of the Convent Shower Room than mine.
What do you mean when you say "Change is Good"?
Consider the dinosaurs, they didn’t embrace change and look what happened to them, They roamed the Earth for over 10 million years peacefully and in perfect harmony with nature and only went into eventual decline when an unavoidable & unprecedented natural catastrophe hit them. You are the dinosaur, I am the catastrophe. Change is good; I have a badge to prove it.
Where is my expenses cheque?
Who are you again?
We have deployed a new web based system for expenses which will see you paid in Latvian Tree frogs.
Why did you specifically hire her as your PA?
Two words...Elbow Test!
Because...I'm so lonely it hurts
Who, what? Ohhh the ex supermodel sitting on my desk, yes I think I did interview her in the early rounds, but it was HR's decision ultimately
Where did you get that stapler?
This isn't a stapler, its been identified by the consultants I just hired as being a document transformational enabler.
Who’s going to the convention in Hawaii
Well it's either you or me, and it isn’t you!
Can I have a new Chair?
What's wrong with the box/ the beanbag/that mushroom/a small boy/a dwarf/your pogo stick/that ice block/standing?*
*=Delete where applicable
Good Idea, I think I will also take the opportunity to reevaluate your performance and where you fit in the bell curve of contribution in relation to your colleagues, who seem to not have a problem with our existing seating solution set.