Tuesday 3rd April, 2007 - 15.45
In a consultation meeting today at the houses of Parliament, Stuart Blakemore, CEO and Chairman of Juicyfruithippo called upon the government to ban the further and future proliferation of 'Allo 'Allo. This controversial plea was made for a number of substantive reasons.
1. It's painfully unfunny
Although no reason on its own, otherwise Lenny Henry could never be allowed to live, the fact that no one has ever found it funny is a strong supplemental issue
2. It reinforces Socio-ethnic stereotypes
"Leesen Very caerphilly I zal zay dis only wance" Do we need say any more!!!
3. It Glorifies terrorism
Set amongst the activity of the French Resistance the programme portrays the savage guerilla tactics of the underground movement, which in its purest interpretation was a terrorist cell plotting the frustration and destruction of a democratically appointed government, namely Vichy France. Blakemore cites and updating of "It ‘Aint half Hot Mum" planned by Al Jazeera called Burn Infidel Burn as a clear precedent for controlling such content.
Proliferation
Since its ill considered inception Allo Allo has spawned six series of pointless drivel centered on two or three poorly fed jokes. However due to the overt use of sexual imagery and female lingerie it has taken on a life of its own amongst the direst sin bins of Middle England Am Dram, where stage adaptations are reaching pandemic proportions. "This must stop now" argues blakemore "for the sake of our national pride if nothing else, bored housewives seeking thrills in Black lacy underwear parading on stage in the parish hall is of course a good thing but the jokes are so shit!"
News that the series is to return in a one off special was initially treated with skepticism, then fear, but Blakemore argues that this is the perfect opportunity to kill off the franchise once and for all. Blakemore suggests a plot that involves killer Robots from the future returning to just before the events of series one. The robots, dressed as red cross Nurses in skimpy uniforms would seduce and brutally kill the entire cast rendering the events of series one thru six impossible through the age old sci-fi device of time paradox "Heck, make it into a Dr Who Easter special if you like" added Blakemore.